I had a dream last night that I was driving and my husband appeared beside me and then just as quickly - he vanished. In my dream state I knew that I was dreaming and, with my hands still on the wheel forging ahead, I thought to myself.
'This is significant - he must be dead.' my second thought came to mind 'No, not dead just not with me anymore.' Not with me spiritually. I am moving forward and he will stand still.
I know now, that I am on my path alone. He won't be joining me on my journey. He isn't, and may never be, ready to open his heart to more. More than this earthly physical space, more than two feet on the ground, more than you, more than me.
I am ready to see through this illusion - but I still have to paint my basement walls.
I am ready to cast away my ego - but I have to cook supper and wash dishes.
I want to see myself in everyone - but I can't get past certain annoyances I have with some people. *not naming anyone in particular*
This is the mire we have to muck our way through - how you do it is your own journey. No one will have the experiences you have. No one will experience the same little light bulb of inspiration turning on. Or your heart exploding with love as you drive to work listening to The Adi Shakti only to have the feeling obliterated as you walk past the threshold.
My goal over the next while is to remember 'To Love is to Serve' - I will serve others, I will serve myself, I will serve God.
I have been treating my body gently. To serve myself better I have given up alcohol (this day of writing marks 30 days). I am abstaining from eating meat (with the exception of eggs from my own chickens) and have cut back my dairy intake.
I truly and deeply feel that Kundalini is guiding me. It is the light in my heart that leads me on.
I don't know if I really liked myself before discovering Kundalini. I know I didn't love myself. Kundalini has lead me to discover that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. It has helped me see myself - even in the short time I have been practicing. It is like I was blind before. I see my words. I see others around me. There is a place where I can go always when I need guidance.
I want to sing it at the top of my lungs! I Love Kundalini Yoga.
When I told my husband the Kundalini yogi's wear turbans he was totally turned off. That really hurt my feelings, but I understand. It is not the 'norm' for caucasion North American house wives to suddenly don a traditionally eastern headpeice.
I hope that one day, he can see, as my children can both see. They are enthusiastic about Yoga and embrace their mothers passion. My daughter asked me to sing her Wahe Guru Wahe Jio to sleep last night and I thought my head would explode(with happiness of course!).
I am praying everyday that my dreams will have my husband by my side.
One day he will take my hand and join me. And if he doesn't this time around, I will try again in our next lifetime.