I have been reluctant to write a blog post as of late becasue of my recent emotional experineces. Life has done a complete 360 degrees for me.
Before my time at the Sivananda Ashram I was complacent to live in a relationship with no love. I wasn't aware of this though. It was my normal.
I would say goodnight to my husband when we crawled into bed and tell him 'I love you' but the sentiment wouldn't be returned back. It became almost a joke over the years and I began to say 'I love you.' less and less becasue it hurt me so much that he couldn't. I would tease him about not saying 'I love you.' I began to tell myself that 'He loves me in his own way. He doesn't have to tell me out loud that he loves me'.
But this is just a small example, there are far more extreme stories I can tell you. There was no empathy, no nurturing when I needed it during difficult times. Our relationship equated that of a sterotypical 1950's dutiful housewife and her bread winning husband.
I thought that was what I wanted. I thought we would be together until the end. Please believe me when I say that there was much more to my making of a decision to end our relationship.
It took a month of unexpected introspection. No one told me that you have to step away from something to see it from another perspective.
I would be meditating in Satsang and memories would surface, I would be surrendering myself to a pose during Asana's and tears would well in my eyes.
My whole entire being changed while I was there. I lost a dramatic amount of emotional weight that I was carrying to protect myself. I ended up losing 25lbs over one month (incredible I know!). I would be exuberant one minute and melancholy the next.
I called my husband to try to tell him I was having emotional issues (not yet knowing what was going on at the time inside my head) and he happened to be at Canadian Tire and didn't even awknowlege my desperatation - he changed the subject and asked wether or not we should buy this or that for the house. At that moment it occured to me how backwards our relationship was.
I took my wedding band off.
Life is better on my own. It's me, my children and our imagination now. We can go wherever the wind takes us. I find love everywhere now.
I know that love is in the plants that I nurture, the songs that I sing, the people that I greet with a smile. Love is all around.
I didn't love myself before and it reflected in my relationship. I can see that now.
My heart is at its happiest now than ever before. I don't need to seek out acceptance or love from anyone anymore, because I have it in me. It's been there all along, waiting for me to rediscover myself.
Just to be cliche I will say, and with so much truth, Life is strange. It is full of highs and lows, surprises and changes. The inevitibility of change keeps us on our toes.
I'll dance in my kitchen now with my kids and hope they can experience life with all it's ups and downs.... how can we grow and learn without them?
I welcome the challenges.